‘Right, I’m calling this team meeting to discuss some ongoing issues that have come to notice. Is everyone here? Yes? Good then we can start.
Crusty, I am sure your arse is very interesting but can you stop licking it for a few minutes and focus, and no…that doesn’t mean you can lick your brothers arse instead. Thank you, right…yes, so first item on the agenda is food bowls, now I don’t want to go on about the same thing again and I know every work place has the same issues of who didn’t wash the cups up but… two of you are still taking mouthfuls of food and then turning your head to spit the vegetables out on the floor. That has to stop. I’ve covered the vegetables in the chicken juice so I know the taste doesn’t bother you. The food is eaten over the food bowl and not on the floor.
Second item. Who shit in the lounge last night? Hmmm? Come on…there was a big stinking turd in the middle of the carpet and it sure as hell wasn’t me. I asked all four of if you wanted to go out and none of you did. I asked you several times and even whistled but all four of you ignored me and made it clear you were fine, then one of you shat on the floor. Yes this new house is seriously old and falling apart and yes, the old carpet already stinks of nasty things and yes, I have mentioned several times about ripping it out but there was no need to use it as a toilet. I know it wasn’t Milka as she always does one big pile then a smaller dollop next to it so that leaves you three boys? Nobody wants to own up eh?
Fine, then we shall move on to the most serious issue. Now, you get fed twice a day with chicken, rice and vegetables yes? Yes you do, yes you do good doggies, yes you are good doggies, yes good doggies… Stop it!…you are not distracting me this time, sit down and listen….sit…come on sit….thank you. Right, you get fed and walked every day, you get brushed, fussed, you can sleep all day and the back door is always open. You get attention whenever you want it and have free run of the place. You have over one hundred and sixty teeth between you and a combined body weight over one hundred and fifty kilos. You are natural born predators. Your hearing, sense of smell and eyesight at night is hundreds of times better than mine. You can all go from deep sleep to psychotic within a split second. Your breed is used all over the world by every police force, prison, military and even hardened drug dealing terrorist bastards to serve as protection.
I even based one of my favourite characters from my series on you….so…what the fuck happened last night? Yes, last night? You know….when that almighty bang happened at about 3am…the one that woke me up and had me running out the bedroom thinking the zombie apocalypse was actually happening and we were being invaded…You know, the huge big bang that had me running down the stairs in a very dark, very large and still unfamiliar house while completely naked and realising I haven’t got a fucking clue where the light switches are…and my hardened pack of German Shepherd dogs are still fast -a-bloody sleep upstairs!
Honestly, there could have been burglars or…or…robbers or marauders or anything going on and I called for you too. I called and whistled and who did you send? You sent Crusty…the six month old puppy that still chases his own tail and can’t walk past the big old mirror on the landing without trying to attack himself. You even got your name from constantly sitting in your own shit and letting it dry all over your backside. Crusty, you are a lovely dog and you will probably grow to be the biggest one in the pack but seriously? A spooky old house, things going bump in the night and you three let me and Crusty investigate, which meant I investigated while Crusty disappeared …ah yes…you little sod, you went into the lounge…so it was you that took a shit while I was risking my life protecting our house. That’s even worse.
You are all being docked a Dentastix each tomorrow, no…stop moaning and if you want to keep the belly rubs then I expect a rota drawn up with at least one of you awake, alert and patrolling during the night.
This was actually two nights ago when I heard the bump in the night. I did find the offending culprit which was one of those sports washbag things that had been left on the bathroom window sill. Quite heavy I thought and figured it was strange to have fallen off. Then this morning another small hygiene bag was on the floor in the same place…ooohhh….exciting….might have a spooky ghosty ghost.