‘Haywood…wake up…wake up…’
‘Huh? What’s…what…’
‘SShhhh, don’t speak.’
‘What the fuck? Who is that?’
‘It’s me.’
‘Argh! Who? It’s a ghost…holy shit I got a ghost.’
‘It’s not a ghost it’s me and shush, stop shouting.’
‘Who? I can’t see anyone…oh my god am I dead?’
‘What? No! It’s me. Spider. I’m down here.’
‘Where?’
‘On your shoulder.’
‘AAARRRGHHHHH SPIDERONMYSHOULDER AAARRRRGHHHHHHHH HELP….’
‘Oh for fuck’s sake.’
‘IT’S EATING ME….HELP HELP….SPIDERONMYFACE….’
‘Stop hitting yourself, Haywood…seriously? Oh my god you are such a pussy. Stop it. Stop it…just calm down, I’m on the mantelpiece now.’
‘Ohmygod ohmygod…you are such a creepy little bastard.’
‘No! Just wait…seriously…ouch! Stop throwing shoes. Pack it in, we need to talk, ow! Fucking stop it, Haywood. Cor got me on the leg that did. Right, stop it…seriously…OW! Right, you throw another one and I’ll throw it back…’
‘You touched me while I was sleeping you filthy bastard…OW! Don’t throw it back…’
‘Stop throwing shoes at me then.’
‘YOU TOUCHED ME IN MY SPECIAL PLACE.’
‘I WAS ON YOUR SHOULDER.’
‘Argh you fucker…stop throwing them back at me. Ow! Got me in the nose…’
‘Now pack it in. Stop it.’
‘That hurt.’
‘Man up you idiot, we’ve got problems.’
‘You’ll have a problem in a minute when my eyes have stopped watering.’
‘Oh fuck’s sake, Haywood. You’ve woken Crusty up now.’
‘You were the one taking a dump in my mouth while I was sleeping.’
‘What?’
‘It says on Facebook that spiders take a shit in your mouth when you sleep.’
‘I didn’t shit in your mouth you weirdo. We’ve got problems. We need to leave like right now.’
‘Eh? What for?’ What time is it?’
‘Dunno, I’m a spider. I can’t tell the time.’
‘Cheeky twat. It’s the middle of the night.’
‘Seriously, Haywood. We’ve got to get out. Good boy, Crusty. Haywood, tell him it’s not Ballie Ball time.’
‘You tell him, I’m still trying to get the spider poo off my tongue.’
‘Haywood, you have to listen.’
‘Fine! What?’
‘The treaty is broken. They’re coming out.’
‘Eh? What? Who is?’
‘They are.’
‘Who?’
‘Them.’
‘Them who? What you on about? Crusty, leave Spider alone. What’s wrong with the treaty?’
‘You’ve broken it. You left work.’
‘I left work months ago.’
‘Yeah but I thought you were going back.’
‘Eh?’
‘You know, full time writer? Yeah right!’
‘I am a full time writer now.’
‘That’s the problem…I told them just to hang on a bit until you got bored and went back but you ain’t gone back and now they’re going proper batshit craycray…’
‘What the fuck?’
‘The treaty man! The treaty…you’ve broken it.’
‘How?’
‘Didn’t you read it?’
‘No, it’s like it was written by a spider….’
‘……very funny. Clause eight, Haywood leaves the house for eight hours a day at least five days a week during which time the arachnids will be allowed to roam free as long as they are gone when he returns.’
‘Oh.’
‘And you’re not doing that. You’re here all the time. They’ve been going nuts down there.’
‘But I put you all in The Undead Day Twenty…’
‘That made it worse. We were meant to be goodies and save Howie and Dave and run about on Marcy’s boobs for a bit.’
‘You did run about on Marcy’s boobs for a bit. In Boots. With Paula and Mo Mo.’
‘Yeah then what happened to us? And what was that with Reggie and the swatter?’
‘Um, well, you know…’
‘Oh this is bad, Haywood. So bad. We’ve got to go…’
‘Ah calm down, we’ll just make another treaty. Here, hang on. I let that big yellow thing have the kitchen window and didn’t moan or say anything.’
‘That’s Burt and you only did that so he ate the flies coming in.’
‘I still let him stay there.’
‘Burt’s on our side actually, he said he’ll try and hold them back.’
‘Have you seen him lately? He’s fat as fuck. What’s he gonna do? Waddle at them? His own web sags when he walks on it. Right, look, just go and tell them we’ll make another treaty.’
‘They won’t listen to me…and they said I’m exiled with you and the dogs cos we’re like best mates.’
‘What?’
‘What?’
‘Best mates?’
‘Um.’
‘We’re not best mates.’
‘Yes I know that but they think we are.’
‘We’re not even mates.’
‘Oh…I mean, yeah course, I knew that, know that…I know that. But like, they think we are and…well, we did watch that movie together last week.’
‘No. I watched the movie while you hung upside down from the ceiling. Go and tell them we’ll do another treaty.’
‘I tried. I really did. I said we can make another treaty and they were like no, we’re going to go up and eat his face off, and I was like no don’t eat his face off, and they were like go and tell your bezzer mate we’re going to eat his face off and I was like…’
‘We’re really not bezzer mates, Spider.’
‘Yeah I know but…’
‘I tolerate you.’
‘Eh? S’bit harsh. Here’s me trying to save your face from being eaten off and you’re all like no we’re not even mates and I hate you, Spider…and throwing shoes at my head.’
‘You threw it back on my nose.’
‘Man up, anyway…so….LEG IT…RUN RUN RUN…Crusty, carry me. We’ll go out the window.’
‘Get off Crusty’s head.’
‘We’ve got to go.’
‘Seriously, Spider. Get off Crusty’s head before he…hang on, why isn’t he eating you?’
‘What?’
‘The dog. Why isn’t he eating you for being on his head?’
‘Um.’
‘Have you been training him to carry you?’
‘What? No! Training him? Me? Pah! Don’t be stupid’
DUM DUM DUM DE DUM
‘What’s that noise?’
DUM DUM DUM DE DUM
‘That? What’s that really faint weird little noise coming from the floorboards?’
‘Oh shit, Haywood…that’s the spiders beating the war drums….calling all the spiders to arms…well, legs…you know, like arms but more legs. Calling spiders to legs. Fuck it, it’s the spider war drums…’
‘What do we do?’
‘Do? There’s nothing we can do. We’re fucked.’
‘I don’t want to leave this flat. I like it here. Tell ’em we’ll do another treaty.’
‘They won’t listen to me now. I tried…’
DUM DUM DUM DE DUM
‘Argh that’s so creepy, Spider, go down and say I’ll go out eight hours a day from tomorrow.’
‘They won’t listen to me! I tried that. We’re so fucked…’
DUMDUMDUMDEDUM
‘They’re getting faster, Spider. There must be something we can do.’
‘There isn’t. They said they wanted to talk to you in person but I was like no he’s a complete pussy and won’t come down here and they were like summon him and tell him we really mean it and I was like are you serious? He cried when little Alfie the money spider got stuck in the bath and taped three broom handles together to reach him….and they were like what little Alfie? But he’s tiny, and I was like yeah I know!‘
‘What?’
‘What?’
‘What did you just say?’
‘About Alfie? You did cry. I saw you. I was right there laughing while you waggled the three broom handles about.’
‘No, the other bit.’
‘What other bit?’
‘The summoning bit.’
DUMDUMDUMDUMDEDUMDUMDUMDEDUMDUM
‘Ah shit, seriously, Spider. What did you mean about summoning.’
‘They said to take you down so the Chief Uber Negotiator Tarantula can speak with you.’
‘Will that stop the face eating off thing.’
‘I don’t know! It might be too late.’
‘I don’t want my face eaten off…tell them we’ll meet and talk.’
‘Seriously? You’ll meet them?’
DUMDUMDUMDUMDUM
‘Argh yes, tell them yes, tell them I will…’
DUMDUMDUMDUMDUMDUM
‘Quick, Spider, tell them…that drumming’s getting faster.’
‘You sure? You can’t say it then not do it…’
‘I’ll do it.’
DUMDUMDUMDUM
‘You really sure about this?’
‘YES!’
‘Right, hang on a sec…’
‘Where you going? Spider? Spider? Oh fuck…’
DUMDUMDUMDUMDUMDUMDUMDUM…what?…DUMDUMDUMDUMDUM…he will?….DUMDUMDUM….Seriously? How much? All of it?….DUMDUMDUMDUM…haha no way….DUMDUM
‘Spider? You’re back, thank god…I was so worried. What’s going on? They’ve stopped drumming.’
‘Yep, all sorted. The Chief Uber Negotiator Tarantula said he’ll speak with you.’
‘Ah great. Thank fuck…er…what’s that?’
‘What this?’
‘Yeah that. What is it? Is that a thimble?’
‘Yep, from your sewing kit.’
‘What’s in it?’
‘It’s er…it’s a special potion to shrink you down enough to get under the boards.’
‘A potion?’
‘Yes.’
‘A shrinking potion.’
‘Yes.’
‘A magical shrinking potion?’
‘Yes.’
‘Fair one. Right, what do I do? Like rub it on my elbows or something?’
‘Um, no, you drink it.’
‘Drink it? Right, put it down cos I’m not taking it from you. Gosh it’s filled right to the top too. What is it?’
‘I told you already, a special potion.’
‘No I mean what’s in it? It’s all white and gloopy…like thick…smells strange too…familiar…what is that?’
‘Er… it’s an ancient er, recipe thing that er…so…best drink it then.’
‘I’ll drink it yeah?’
‘Er yes, yes you drink it.’
‘Okay. All of it?’
‘Um, yes, all of it.’
‘Right. So…I’ll do that…are you sure I need to drink it?’
‘Totes sure, just drink it.’
‘It reminds me of something.’
‘Just drink it.’
‘The consistency is like…’
‘Two thousand spiders are ready to come up, Haywood.’
‘Two thousand? Christ, here goes…urgh that’s so salty…what the fuck…oh my god…was that?’
‘What?’
‘Was that…did you give me…OH MY GOD.’
‘What?!’
‘You gave me spider jizz.’
‘Jizz? What? It’s a potion.’
‘Fucking potion my arse. That’s spider jizz.’
‘Spider jizz? Don’t be stupid.’
‘Ooh I feel all weird. Like…strange and…wow, what’s happening? The room’s getting bigger…holy shit…i’m shrinking…I’m melting…I’M MELTIIIINNNNGGGGGG…’
‘Jesus, get on with it, cor you gone all the way down there. Hang on, i’ll come down.’
‘ARGH YOU’RE HUGE!’
‘Yep, try throwing a shoe now fucktard…’
‘Wow, this is messed up. Everything looks so strange and I can still taste the spider jizz.
‘Wasn’t spider jizz.’
‘It totally was.’
‘How would you know?’
‘Um, fuck off…shit your legs are so hairy…how many eyes have you actually got? You look so different.’
‘Better or worse?’
‘Worse. Much much worse.’
‘Oh.’
‘Like, so much worse….ugly as anything.’
‘Alright! You ain’t so attractive either you know. All spindly with only two legs and you got spider jizz on your chin.’
‘I bloody knew it was jizz you filthy bastard. Right, where’s the Chief Uber wotsit man spider thing?’
‘Cunt.’
‘Fuck you.’
‘No, he’s called Cunt. That’s his name. Chief Uber Negotiator Tarantula…’
‘Eh? Oh…Oh! I got it. Ha! I thought you were calling me a cunt. That’s his actual name? So, you actually call him that?’
‘Yep, it’s his name. Mr Cunt, or Cunt to his friends or even Cunty to his close mates apparently.’
‘What do you call him?’
‘Sir.’
‘Oh. Not friends then?’
‘No.’
‘Right, what’s the plan then?’
‘We need to go down the hole in the floorboard in the hallway and…RUN!’
‘Eh what? SHIT! CRUSTY NO! NO BALLIE BALL….CRUSTY NO BALLIE BALL….’
Spider in the room 4 (The Treaty is Broken part 2 coming soon)